my name is clare wakeman im 37 years old
and my story is based on the fight through my life with my adhd
and my fight with walsall social services
From the age of six of knew i didnt feel like a normal six year should feel and i just wanted to know why
all i used to do was cry /do things wrong to get attention and more?
i used to feel at such an early age were did i belong and were was my place in this world because i really didnt know
as i was growing up i got to feel more and more frustrated with me my self and more hate used to build up in side me and i hated feeling this way i had hate for my siblings and the reason i felt like this is because of the favourtism my mom had between her all us siblings.
When i went through school not been able to understand and not feel like i fitted in i tried my self to get help because i knew there was something not right with me.
As i grew in to a teenager and i got more rebellious towards my mom and siblings and i could not read write or understand the frustration in side was unbelieveable my friends at comp used to take the mickey out of me and i was bullied because of my learning difficulties.
And again as i was growing up i was put in care because my mom didnt wont me or couldnt cope with me that what she said but when you just wont your mom so bad through life you will do anything to get her attention and yes it got me attention it got me put in care.
when i went in to care i hated it i was lonley
i was isolated
i felt lost
i felt unwanted
and most of all i didnt understand why??i was moved several times in placements because i could not settle
i could not understand why why why was in care
well the last placement i was put in to i hated it i locked my self away i couldnt mix with anybody and all i did was cry and feel so lonley
when i was in care one of the foster children who grew up and left always came back to see the foster parents and there was something about him i did not trust and by god was i right
i was forced on several times to do things i didnt wont to do and he only came round when he knew the foster parents was out i begged the social worker involved to move they didnt believe me so i ended up a run away from care but it was the only way i could be free and left alone.
when i ran away i ended up in hostel after hostel going hungry been scared and more.all i used to do was cry and feel so desperate to get out of this life i was living.
on several occassions i tried to overdose because i just hated the life i was living and didnt understand why i had to live life like this.
THEN i moved back to walsall when i was 17 to be closer to my family big mistake i ended up again living in a hostel
then i ended up pregnant when i was 17 and my mom asked me to move home i felt happy my mom asking me this but the only reason why my mom wanted me to move home was because me pregnant not for me been wanted.i had my daughter and for 6 months i could not bond with my daughter and i felt god history going to repeat its self and it scared me but i felt like my life was been taken over me been told what to do how to be a mom and more when i didnt have a mom my self and me been told how to be a mom i never felt what love was through my life i never felt how my heart could feel by feeling what love was.
untill after me having my second child and i had my own home and i was so scared because my life was not fictional it was real and i had responsabilities.
then one day i was playing with my 2 children and my daughter came up to me looked me in the eyes and held my face with both of her hands and said mommy i love you and kissed me on the lips and my heart was going fast and what i felt i never felt in my life.
untill know it was the feeling of love and it was the best feeling i had ever felt in my life and from that day i never went back the love i had for my children grew and grew and stronger and stronger it got and i had more children and i loved my family so bad it was unreal.
and then my life changed again i had children with adhd and austism and god was it difficult i wont deny that then thats when social services got involved in my life and since that day i was always scared of them taking my children away.
and i did everything i could do to have to do everything for social services not to take my children but my life was like a roller coaster and i hated it i just wanted to be a family and not be scared of people coming in and taking my babies.
all i needed was alittle support but when i needed help social services walked in and walked out but when things was good they came in and removed my 4 babies walsall social services said we dont wont your big ones only the little ones and i felt ill i felt like i just wanted the ground to open up and just swollow me this was the nightmare that i didnt want to come true
they gave me two options
1] i hand my children over temporary and i get to see them
2] they will get a court order on me and i loose my kids for good and i could nt understand what they was saying because i found 2 yrs before i had adhd and dislexia and in my mind i though i cant not go with out seeing my babies so as much as i understood i had to choose the right one and i did.walsall social services said you have one week to prepare your children and oh my god what was i going to don say i didnt know nothing
my children god bless them even helped me pack there belongings and i had to tell my children that they was going to the sea side what else could i have said to my babies who there selves was in a bad way and so was my big ones
when the day came for my children too be taken i was shaking i was thinking this is a bad joke and more
and the first too go was my 2 little ones i could not let them go and my babies was hanging off me i said babies i aint giving up and i will not stop fighting for u i promice i loved them both kissed them and then they was driven away and 2 hours later my other too babies was too be taken and again i could not let them go and we all was lost in a mess and didnt know were to turn and i put my babies in to the car and the social worker put her hands on my shoulder and said we got to go i said get you hand of me and i will be ready when i am and i made the same promice to my other 2 children as i did to my 2 children who was ready to go and i loved them and kissed them and then i moved away and shut the car door and all my babies was gone i fell on the floor and i couldnt move i felt empty lost still could not understand and then after a 10 minuites i got up and walked in the house then this is were my fight started
my second part of my story will be tomorrow
thank you clare wakeman